I decided to post part of my first nonfiction creative essay for those who haven't had the chance to read it.
Just Breathe
My heart pounded within my chest, each beat faster than the last. My fingers curled around the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. In an attempt to calm myself, I breathed in a lungful of summer air. My heart thrashed against my ribs like a wild animal trying to escape it’s cage. Letting out a frustrated sigh I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to keep the panic attack at bay.
I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a different person.
The pep talk I gave myself wasn’t working. Frustrated, I swung open the car door and hesitated, trying to prolong the inevitable. I didn’t want to go back in there to the hell I was put through. Even though the building was renovated it was still the same. Ahead of me was the chain link fence that surrounded the blacktop and jungle gyms, the sun dancing brightly off the cold metal. Taunting me. A shudder rocked my body and goose bumps formed along my exposed skin as my fingers curled around the chain link fence.
“I choose...Sally.” Joe said, as he bounced the bright red kickball against the blacktop. I started to thrum my hand against my leg, anxious. My throat started to close and my heart hammered in my chest; making breathing almost impossible. The two captains exchanged a glance as they realized I was the only one left. “You can have Breezy,” Chris said glancing over at Greg who was looking up at the clear blue sky. At the sound of Chris’s voice Greg turned his attention to his friend. “I have more people than you do.”
There was a look in his eye filled with words unsaid. A feeling of dread rushed through me and not saying a word I trudged past the small group with my head down. I ran off to the jungle gym where my “friend” Kim was playing. She was dangling from the monkey bars laughing as Sean pulled off her shoe and threw it. “Hey Kim!” I said. A fake smile plastered on my face. Sean looks at Kim and snorts. “I’ll see you later.” I watch as he runs away to join the kickball game. I watched in envy as Greg welcomed him onto the team and I turned back to Kim. She was shuffling her feet and looking down at the woodchips, avoiding my gaze.
“Hey Bree,” Kim said. Turn this into another sentence.
“We’re friends right?” I said. I wasn’t sure why I asked. but at the same time, I knew. No one liked me. I was ultimately alone. I had no friends to play with. No friends to talk to or joke around with. They slandered me with crude nicknames and talked behind my back.
“Uhm...no. I can’t be your friend anymore.” She said. My heart fell into my stomach.
“Why?”
“Because you’re embarrassing to be around. You’re a huge cry baby and no one likes you.” The words were said and I knew they were true. It explained why no one wanted to be seen with me. That’s why everyone ran from me like I had an infectious disease and they were going to catch it. The only people who loved me was my family and at times my own sister was embarrassed of me.
I couldn’t breath anymore. I was going to die. My heart sped up and my hands became slick with sweat.
I didn’t say anything. I just turned away and ran aimlessly. Hot tears fell angrily down my cheeks. The further I ran the more I convinced myself I couldn’t breath. I shook as sobs wracked my body. I blindly ran over to the small cluster of teachers who were on recess duty.
“I need to go to the nurse,” I nearly screamed the words and the teachers looked to one another, not quite sure how to respond.
“Not now. Recess is almost over.” It was Mrs. Cambell who spoke. She was used to me acting like this. This wasn’t the first time I said those words.
“No. I need to go NOW!” I said. I was jumping up and down, trying to make them understand that I was going to die. I needed to get home. I needed my mom. I knew once I was with her I’d be fine. I’d be safe.
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